Enrico’s Tasting Notes, Friday 4/13/12

THE RETURN OF ENRICO THE INTERN TO NCWC!  4/13/12

PINE RIDGE CHENIN BLANC/VIOGNIER 2011

                 My name is Enrico.  I used to be the intern here at NCWC before Jim and Bill, the Buffoon Brothers, the Wino Weirdos, kicked me out because they’re threated by my knowledge and talent.  Bastards.  They couldn’t keep me out forever, though, and tonight I return to demonstrate the truth!  Take this ridiculous wine… please.  They might say it “opens with a dazzling spectrum of fruit and floral aromas, from crisp white peach, honeyed pear and sweet mango, to touches of fresh jasmine blossom and white chai tea, and is filled with bright and juicy fruits.”  Idiots.  I wouldn’t feed this swill to my dog.  $9.97.

 HANDCRAFT PINOT NOIR 2010

                Then there’s this pathetic excuse for a Pinot.  The Bozo Brothers will tell you it shows “gorgeous cherry, vanilla and strawberry aromas, followed by ripe black cherry, sweet spice, vanilla and chocolate flavors, with a smooth, soft, lingering finish.”  They should be jailed for making you taste this crap.  Jailed and flogged.  Jailed and flogged and then forced to drink a whole bottle of this spit.  You’re starting to sense my wisdom and greatness, aren’t you?  $9.97.

 COLBY RED BLEND 2010

                And here’s the blend made by Daryl Grooms in honor of his son (who had open heart surgeries at ages 8 and 9) with the goal of raising funds for heart disease research.  Cry me a river.  Least he could have done is made it taste good.  Jim the Jerk will pontificate like the ass he is about Daryl having once made Penfolds Grange, one of the world’s greatest wines.  He’ll spout nonsense about this delicious blend of Cab, Zin, Shiraz, Merlot and Petite Sirah having aromas and flavors of dark berries, dark chocolate, blueberry, coffee and mocha.  It’s more like a blend of cod liver oil and ipecac, you ask me.  Jim is retarded.  $9.97.

 SHOEFLY SHIRAZ 2010

                Then there’s Bill.  Thinks he’s so hot because he’s been to Napa 5000 times.  Blah-de-blah-de-blah blah blah.  Doesn’t mean he’s not a moron; means he’s an experienced moron.  He’ll hop up on his high horse and proclaim this garbage to be “polished and supple, brimming with red berry, black cherry and delicate spice flavors, all coursing through the expressive finish.”  He’ll get in your face about its 90 point Wine Spectator score.  Just ignore everything he says, and you’ll be better off.  $9.97.

 CONTADO MANKAS CABERNET SAUVIGNON 2004

                Why you people continue to support these dolts is beyond me.  They say their vision is to “Enhance people’s enjoyment of life.”  “Poison people on a regular basis” is more like it.  Consider this ridiculous attempt at Cabernet.  They’ll try to convince you that “aromas of vanilla and oak, along with black cherry, wild berries and eucalyptus rise from the glass to complement flavors of black cherry, cassis, plum, and a subtle smoky note.”  And you believe this lie?  I’d take a glass of pond scum over this any day of the week.  $13.97.

 R PETITE SIRAH 2009

                Now here’s a wine I could actually drink – anywhere but here.  I don’t know if it’s Bill’s breath, or Jim’s body odor, or the fact that they rinse their stemware in pickle juice, but everything here tastes like horse sweat fermented in a garbage can.  Ordinarily this carries “big creamy mouth coating flavors of ripe sweet boysenberry and blackberries balanced by creamy French oak,” with a long, lingering finish.  But here, well, it’s about as pleasant as a day spent going back and forth between the DMV and the dentist.  $22.97.

 PREDATOR ZINFANDEL 2010

                Thank God this nightmare is finally over.  I’m sure by now many of you have had to rush to the hospital, but for those of you still alive… I salute your hearty constitution.  The Butthole Brothers now offer this Zin, with its supposedly smooth, jammy, sweet flavors of blackberries, cranberries and vanilla, and additional notes of coffee and cherries.  You might as well slurp it down; you’ve already done enough damage to yourself with the rest of this sewage.  Unpleasant though all of this was, isn’t it great to at last see the truth?  Jim and Bill suck!!!  $13.97.